THE PARADOX OF MAGNIFICENCE
To live with courage, purpose and connection; to be the people who we long to be, we must be vulnerable. We must allow ourselves to be seen. And we must see.
We are conditioned to believe that we are not enough, that we should always strive to be more. We are conditioned to contain our dreams, to hold ourselves small and to fear exposure. We are conditioned to believe that unless we are perfect we are not ready.
To embrace vulnerability is to embrace our imperfection and accept that we are enough. Our best, our 100% no more no less, is everything. We must believe in what we are in this moment. In each moment we must be fulfilled by what is in front of and within us. And yet the journey to fulfilment is on going. We don't conquer vulnerability once and then it is done. Being enough everyday takes conscious effort and intention.
THE VULNERABILITY HANGOVER
We must remind ourselves of our magnificence and still know that we have places to grow. Being enough is continuous and not finite. There is not a place of enough that once we reach we are done.
I haven't written a post in about a month. I used Christmas and the New Year as an excuse. I told myself I was breaking my rule of posting once a fortnight, but that I was breaking it with intent. Rules are made to be broken and so I told myself I was learning by ignoring my own self imposed structure and doing things differently.
In truth I was feeling exposed. I am a loud silent person. I am an ambivert. I had opened up through my writings and ways of being. I had shown a wide circle of people who I was, what I had survived and who I am becoming. I was praised for my artistry and craft. I was praised for modelling the vulnerability that I know will change the world, for standing up and speaking the truth that I call ancient and instinctive.
THE NURTURED EGO
At the age of 39 I started to really believe in myself. To see my ego as something that needed to be nourished rather than suppressed. To see self love and care as necessary rather than the tools of the arrogant. I began to believe that I could make a difference. That I had a voice and something important to say.
By being vulnerable I connected more authentically to myself; more intimately with the people in my life, even when this lead to conflict and upset; and more consciously to the energetic field we all create in our partnerships, friendships and communities. Even when being enough I was able to grow and be more, and this paradox is truth. Growth comes to those who are enough.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
I knew viscerally what it meant to be enough, and I knew that I was enough. My best, however that showed up in any given moment, was enough. And as long as I was being honest with myself about being the best I could be I could be proud of me. And 2016 was a year of self pride.
And then at Christmas I floundered. From believing in myself I started to doubt. My saboteur had learnt how to become sneakier. I confused laziness with self love. I confused sleep with space. I confused fear and shame with writer’s block.
And then the shame which I had beaten off came back. The anxiety about the future snuck in. I could say I was enough but I couldn’t be enough. What had been visceral had suddenly become intellectual. My brain knew the words but my body didn’t feel it.
THE LOUD SILENCE
I am a loud silent person, or maybe I am a silent loud person. And while I can be a great social connector, I don’t get my energy from my extroversion. I survive in the world of the introvert. I go back to spaciousness and stillness to re-energise. It’s not that I have to disappear inside but rather that I need to nurture the part of me that loves me. And I have to be intentional in doing this. I experience being as active, I do being because being is an evolutionary thing.
We don't just become and then stop. But transformation is a state not a stage of life. A butterfly can unbecome and reverse back into a caterpillar.
What does this mean for humanity?
Once we have experienced transformation we can’t go back to being our old selves and play with the same habitual behaviours. Once we know our patterns, once we break our cycles, we can’t stop being aware. Especially when the positive effects of our awareness are not only within us but also shine back to us through the faces of those on whom we have had an impact.
In short, I am back - most of you probably didn’t even notice that I had been away. But I felt it. My Christmas wobble has shown me that being enough is both complete and ongoing. Vulnerability isn’t something that we conquer but rather something we have to work at daily, and it is essential for connection to self, other and community.
My intentions for this year are to live with courage, purpose and connection; to be the person whom I long to be; to see and be seen.
What did you learn last year that you can’t unlearn, and how will you use this knowledge intentionally this year?
OVER TO YOU
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GET IN TOUCH
I am a fully trained Co-Active Coach, and I work with people who yearn to live a fulfilling life but feel trapped or at a crossroads. In partnership my clients and I create the environment from which they can fully experience a purposeful life.
I see life as a diverse network of stories that ultimately reveal a commonality of human emotions and feelings. Our narratives may be different and diverse in their detail but how and what we feel is common to all, regardless of gender, sexuality, age or race.
If you would like to work with or talk to me, get in touch.