The end of a relationship is sad. Often unbearably so. We make up that we are not good with endings and so don’t engage with the real power of goodbye.

My very recent split from my partner has shown me how consciously writing the ending helps the healing process. The ending is part of the story and yet we don’t usually experience it as such, allowing instead the intense swings of emotion to dictate our reactions.

In this moment now I am able to notice, acknowledge and be with what I am feeling. I am able to fully experience all of our lasts as our final month together comes to an end. And as I watch myself, almost as if I were having an out of body experience, I realise how very different this behaviour is for me.

My old pattern was to descend into isolation and a crippling fear of loneliness. I surprise myself by not going to this place now, and then I realise that  I have been  expecting caterpillar behaviour when in fact I have transformed into a butterfly.

And as a butterfly my physical environment must change. Caterpillars and butterflies may live in the same forests, but they occupy different parts of the tree.

By intentionally feeling the power of goodbye I am working towards creating a life that is purposeful and meaningful. A life lived deliberately and not because of familiarity. Life is an experience within which we must fully immerse ourselves. Where I used to turn left I will now turn right.

love is...

Love is often seen as something to give, or something to get. A commodity to be traded in needy declarations and heart shaped gifts. Something to be quantified, multiplied or divided. But this is not love.

Love is cultivated when we allow ourselves to be seen and known, and it is this act of deep vulnerability and true strength that creates an intimate and spiritual connection.

Loving honours this connection with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is only cultivated between two individuals when it exists in both and is nurtured by each. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage love, but love can survive these when they are named, healed and rare.

All too often we come to love from a place of loneliness and need. We are unable to approach falling in love consciously, and so awareness is sacrificed for the giddy emotions we don’t even try to understand.

Love is good, right -  so what else could we possibly need to know?

Intimacy and sex become confused, in turn confusing body, heart and brain. The intoxication of the process we think of as falling in love stops us really listening to what is going on. Our primal fear of loneliness makes us bedfellows with an image we desperately want to call love.

We look outside of ourselves to be loved, we imagine that someone else can complete us. But unless we love ourselves we can never really feel loved. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Our range is set internally, and what we don’t feel inside we can never feel from the outside. What is in is out.


Love is self love.

If we can't love ourselves we can’t stand naked before anyone else. And I’m not talking about having sex with the lights on, I mean soulfully nude. Vulnerable. Proud. Strong. Seen. A deeply intimate and spiritual  connection can only start from here.

When a relationship starts from need, when it has its roots in self doubt and shame, it is fated to end. In good times and in bad, love only continues to grow when it is nourished consciously. And by both individuals.

Too many of us stay in relationships when the initial flash of lust disappears, hoping that the familiarity it is replaced with is love. But love is not familiar. Like us it grows and changes as we grow and change. As we learn to love ourselves more we become able to love others more.

And when an unnurtured loves dies allow it to go. Write the ending of the story together. Part consciously acknowledging the ending, the ‘last times’. Don’t fight the sadness, be with it and notice how you are.

Love deserves both a conscious beginning and a conscious ending. Love only survives from a state of consciousness. Cultivation is an intentional activity.

Knowing and accepting the end allows us to write it ourselves. When the firsts return make sure you cultivate love rather than trying to give or get it.

By saying hello we wave goodbye.


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I am a fully trained Co-Active Coach, and I work with people who yearn to live a fulfilling life but feel trapped or at a crossroads. In partnership my clients and I create the environment from which they can fully experience a purposeful life.

I see life as a diverse network of stories that ultimately reveal a commonality of human emotions and feelings. Our narratives may be different and diverse in their detail but how and what we feel is common to all, regardless of gender, sexuality, age or race.

If you would like to work with or talk to me, get in touch.